Today is my one year anniversary. A year ago, I sat on my steps, my sister next to me, shakily talking myself through opening and reading the results of my surgical pathology. “No evidence of disease.”
“This means what I think it means, right?” I had her read it as well. Confirmed!
It feels like eons ago and also so recent. And I think this dichotomy perfectly summarizes survivorship.
It’s over! And it’s ongoing.
Cancer-free! And 5-10 years of treatment yet ahead.
You’re free to resume your life. And yet- so much has changed.
I’m healthier now than I’ve ever been. And also I am dealing with the impacts of chemo and estrogen suppression.
I have so much more gratitude for the little things. Early morning walks, coffee in silence, the smell of flowers, snuggling into bed before 9 PM. Time with my kids, conversations with my husband, laughter with friends. And I am shedding things that aren’t worth my time.
I have more patience for problems, quirks, feelings, and inconveniences. But I have less patience for bullshit.
There are two mantras that are serving me right now, in this “both/and” space:
Today is every day is the rest of my life.
And-
The struggle just makes for a better story.
Both things can be true. Living for the things that bring me joy and feel special every day. And knowing that part of living is the struggle, is the hard stuff- and dang that makes the story more interesting.
Yesterday I tried my first cold plunge in the San Francisco Bay. I stayed in for 12 minutes, 10 minutes longer than my goal. Felt like a bad ass, and grateful for this body. I could not have done this one year ago, or even before my diagnosis.