It’s been a year since I developed Bell’s Palsy. But I turned the corner this week.
It’s 95% “resolved” meaning it’s mainly only me who notices it (unless I point it out to others- or so I’m told).
With my occupational therapist I shared, “if this is as good as it gets, I’m totally ok with it.” That was two months ago.
But the biggest tell for me happened a few days ago. I saw a photo of myself and could see the indications of the BP- my smile was a little lopsided, one eye a little squintier… and I was ok with it. Like, really ok with it.
I haven’t been ok with photos- or rather, uncurated photos- of me in a long time. For a while now, I’ve had to sort through and find the one picture that showed the least asymmetry. If you’ve seen a picture of me on IG- there were likely 19 others I didn’t choose of the same scene.
If you’re not familiar with Bell’s Palsy, it’s a sudden onset facial paralysis on one side, caused by caused by inflammation of the 7th cranial nerve. The trigger can be a virus or stress on the body, and mine was likely the latter due to chemo and surgery. It can last weeks or months. I got the doozy version… had it for 9-10 months.
For the first three months I had to tape my eye shut at bedtime so it didn’t dry out. For nine months I saw an occupational therapist and did daily facial stretches and exercises. I did weekly facial acupuncture and redlight. And most significantly, I curtailed many social interactions because it made me deeply unhappy to laugh with a crooked smile.
During recovery, I learned to modify my smile so it was smaller- a closed mouth version instead of my usual wide open cackle. I hid my mouth behind a hand at times. I posed for photos with a serious face. (Get yourself some dear friends that pose the same way or select pics they know you’ll be ok with).
I’ve been through some tough things these last two years. And you’d probably think chemo and a mastectomy were the worst. But they weren’t. Bell’s palsy was. It shook my personal confidence and took away a lot of joy, at a time I needed it most.
But as in most challenges we overcome, when you’re on the other side, the lessons are clear. I now choose happiness and silliness daily. I care less about what other people think. Confidence and joy now come from inside me- no external prompt needed. There are times the BP still bother me, but more like an annoyance that I quickly brush off.
Recently my brother in law commented on how chill I was during a situation in which I would have previously been… not chill. I think I’ve internalized a version of “is this that important? Do I need to feel stress here? Or can I let this go and feel peace, or even joy?”
If calm and confidence and joy are the gifts on the other side of Bell’s Palsy, I’ll take it.
At some point I may share the photos and videos of when I was in the thick of it. For now I’m so glad to be where I am.
