The Long And Short of It: My Hair

Every night, I pick up my hand mirror and study the back of my head. It’s a morbid fascination with the large thinning/bald spot on the crown.

Today I wondered, is my hair starting to grow back? Is there slightly more there than a week ago?

But let’s back up. Five months ago I learned I had breast cancer and one of the first things that became clear was that my chemo was going to be a doozy. I’d need to get used to the idea of losing my hair.

The last thing I wanted was to “look like a cancer patient.” I often joked that even the idea of having cancer felt “off-brand” for me.

Regardless, I knew I wanted to “control my controllables” so I did my research and got mentally and logistically prepared (see below for some resources). I decided a wig was not for me, but that I would lean into hats and scarves. Luckily we were approaching fall and winter so the timing worked in my favor.

I also looked into “cooling caps.” There are a few different systems that reduce the impact of chemo to your scalp, and therefore lessen the short term and long term damage to the hair follicles. While my insurance did not cover this benefit, my infusion center provided access to it, and I decided it was worth the hefty price tag to attempt to maintain my hair throughout chemo.

Many of these systems will offer you general guidance on how well the cooling system will work for your chemo protocol; mine predicted I had a “75% chance of keeping 50% of my hair.” I thought that was some pretty fancy framing/math!… And sounds a lot better than saying “you’ll probably keep 37% of your hair.” (I’d like to answer serious questions like this moving forward. How old am I? Well, there’s 140% chance that I’m 36.)

So I proceeded with the cooling cap and also prepared to still lose a significant amount of hair. I took precautions like washing my hair only twice per week. I brushed gently each day to keep my hair healthy. And I started to get a little optimistic.

Two weeks after my first infusion, I thought, “could I be an exception to the rule? Am I one of the lucky ones?” (Says the woman with breast cancer)

Let’s cut to the chase… No. They say you’ll start to shed around 2-3 weeks after the first infusion. Round 1 / Day 19, it started. And it just. Didn’t. Stop.

On Round 2 / Day 6 I decided to cut my hair myself to eliminate some of the weight of it. I cut a few inches off so that my hair was shoulder length. But each day, I wondered, do I need to shave it? When will that happen? And eventually, you get tired of the waiting. You just want to take control of the situation.

The next day, my sweet hair stylist messaged me offering a pixie cut to make the most of the hair I still had. And cutting off ten inches of hair was actually less traumatic than I expected. She made it safe and caring and as fun as could be. (Thanks Jennifer!) That was Round 2 / Day 11 (32 days after starting chemo).

The funny thing is you also lose NOSE HAIRS. Like, all of them. And guess what? It turns out that your nose hairs are there for a reason; they keep you from having a drippy nose. Even if you are otherwise healthy (well, except for the cancer) your nose drips 24/7 if you have no nose hairs! Maybe you know this. I did not.

But back to my head. By the time I had the third round of chemo, I was wearing a beanie or a baseball cap whenever I left the house. There was an ever-growing bald-ish spot on the crown of my head (just perfect for a yarmulke or zuchetto if I were to wear one!- sadly, I don’t). The good news is that I kept a lot of hair around my hairline, so I often have bangs framing my face, peeking out from under my beanie. Like Waldo. Or the blond guy from Flock of Seagulls (did I just date myself? You already know I’m 140% of 36)

And so here I am on day 98- with 5 rounds of chemo under my belt and one left to go- with the possibility of growth. That feels like a win.

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