I just got off the phone with a loved one- and her dear friend was just diagnosed with breast cancer. Since my diagnosis just ten months ago, I’ve unfortunately already had a number of calls like this.
She was thinking about how to be supportive; what is needed and how she can show up for her friend. She knew just how much i appreciated the way my friends rallied around me, and wanted to do the same.
As we know, no two cancers are alike, and no two breast cancers are like. Her friend will have a specific treatment plan and protocol, which means her needs for support will be specific to her.
That said, there are some great ways to be emotionally and physically supportive of a person going through cancer treatment.
The initial weeks or months after diagnosis can be rife with anxiety. At the same time the person is wrestling with the reality of having cancer, there’s a steep learning curve in navigating the logistics and processes of the healthcare system. And there are lots of appointments and ongoing tests- each with waiting times for results.
What I found helpful at the beginning of my cancer journey :
Developing a Game Plan: two of my closest friends invited me (and my husband) over to dinner to discuss how they could help us approach my journey. I remember initially thinking that I could just handle it myself, with Matt. But my friends’ initiative did a few things- it normalized discussing my cancer with them, it gave us the opportunity to share and learn, and it concluded with them facilitating a meal train and communication channel with other friends. This was immensely helpful for me and for Matt, who could then focus on other ways of supporting me.
Providing an Escape: my friends were also super consistent in reaching out to me. We went on lots of walks, and at the beginning phase of diagnosis or treatment, it’s so important to stay social. I found that my initial instinct was to withdraw and hibernate, but I always felt better after getting out. Sometimes a dogged friend- persistently reaching out-is what you need.
Checking In: sweet texts and notes and flowers dropped off on my doorstep made such an impression on me. These all felt like virtual hugs. Each time, I felt a surge of love and gratitude, knowing I had people in my corner.
Understanding Their Mindset: I’m generally a person who likes information. I research everything. But I found that at the beginning, I was simultaneously wanting information and terrified to seek it online. Hearing it from a human (doctor, friend who had gone through it, or friend with knowledge) was the only way I could tolerate new information. Statistics were especially scary (a number of times I asked my sister to do online research and share the overview with me- just the helpful parts). This later changed, and I became ravenous for information [from all sources, including online] about what I could do to ensure success in my treatment. It’s critical that friends and family understand your fears and don’t get ahead of where you are in your journey.
After a while, I settled into my new reality. I started to understand the landscape. For me, this was probably 3-4 weeks after diagnosis. What I found helpful during my cancer treatment journey:
Invitations: walks, coffee, etc. While I was conscious of my compromised immune system, outdoor activities with friends kept my spirits up.
Humor: friends sending funny notes or texts kept me laughing. When I was nervous about getting a port in my chest (for chemo infusions) one friend asked me when I was headed to Portlandia. Another sent me an actual “cancer card”- to be played whenever I wanted to get out of something. Making fun of the situation was quite helpful and made me feel less lonely.
Remembering Dates: Friends and family remembering my infusion dates or other milestones felt, especially loving. Little messages of strength were inspirational. And not having to tell people day-of that I needed moral support was refreshing. My family members & a few close friends even each flew out from other states to be with me at various junctures in my treatment.
Continuous Thoughtfulness: My friends and family went above and beyond. So many friends sent meals or gift cards. Some left flowers on my doorstep. Some sent thoughtful packages, including things I’d need to endure chemo or a “my favorite things” box. One sent music for my walks. Some took over our carpool shifts for soccer practices. Others connected me with friends who could help with various facets of my treatment. Some even sneaked (snuck?) past nurses into my infusion appointments with food and smoothies!
And there was so much more. While this was an incredibly tough year, it was the help and support of my friends & family that I’m most grateful for…And what made this a beautiful year, too.
My house has been filled with flowers this year- a visceral reminder of the support from my friends.