“Have you at least enjoyed your time off?” And, “What did you do while you were on leave?”
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The short answer? Yes, I enjoyed it, at times. And no, it was awful. Both are true. The longer answer? Well, how much time do you have?
I’ve started fielding a few inquires like these as people learn about my diagnosis & that I’m headed back to work next week. I know they are meant as conversation and are asked with curiosity or love. And they are tough questions for this cancer survivor, for many reasons.
The thoughts racing through my head are always: are they asking for a surface level answer, a listing of my activities? Or more introspection, with my personal learnings? Or, really- can they handle my gut response to these questions?
I initially took time off work to finish my chemo and recover from two surgeries. Just when I expected to return to work, I developed Bell’s Palsy which set me back two months. I’m now cancer-free and partially recovered from Bells, so I return to work next week.
And when I hear these questions about what I did/how I spent my time, I ask myself: what did I do with this time???how did I stay productive while I had cancer? What did I do other than spend months putting toxins into my body? Or during the subsequent months while I recovered from that attack, other than restoring my microbiome and nails and hair and skin and face and heart and bones and spirit and brain and bloodwork? Or, maybe I could have been more productive when I was immobile from surgeries, or when I couldn’t see during initial Bells Palsy (ok, maybe not that one). Or perhaps in general, over the months, while in waiting rooms for doctor or care team appointments? Or those days while I waited for test results, paralyzed with anxiety?
My guess is most people don’t mean any of this when they ask those questions. It’s like asking someone on maternity or paternity leave if they enjoyed their “vacation.” We’re so programmed to be productive that any sort of time off feels like there should be an outcome, and asking about it is just meant as a form of showing interest and care.
And on the receiving end, it’s easy to think that you’re being asked about production, outcomes, and activities, even if it isn’t what’s intended (or maybe that’s just me and my conditioning).
At first I tried to answer the questions literally, but each time wound up feeling there wasn’t “enough to show” for my time away from work. And then I felt bummed- both unproductive and like I’d wasted time.
But I quickly realized. The purpose of my time off was to HEAL. And I did that. And that was actually really HARD. I’m a cancer survivor. That is the answer to this question. That’s what I did, that’s 1000% how my time was spent.
And so now I’ll be answering the question more introspectively. I am saying:
I was healing (and am still healing)
I have learned how to practice living with ease (ok- a work in progress, this one!)
I have reset my personal priorities (joy, learning, risk-taking/adventure, creativity, self-care)
I have changed my habits to support my continued remission
I have spent more quality time with friends and family
I am in the process of growing into a better me.
There! That’s what I’ve done with my time off. And it took lots of time and it has been hard, but yes- I’ve thoroughly enjoyed it.
Visited the Dahlia Dell in Golden Gate Park. It’s a great destination for a hearty walk, which I’m committed to daily. I also just adore dahlias- they are so joyful- and so varied. I’m committed to being delighted, daily.
Enjoyed the Ruth Asawa Retrospective at SFMOMA with my son, Colten. Spending time with my college kiddo while he’s home fills my heart.