It’s the end of breast cancer awareness month and I’ve also finished my “active treatment” (recently completed a year of targeted therapy/ Herceptin infusions).
It’s that strange time they warn you about in the breast cancer world when you’re in between selves. Mostly back to “normal” on the outside… maybe a bit of a different person on the inside… and definitely not done feeling the repercussions of cancer.
Overall, I’m feeling super lucky and grateful for family & friends and proud of myself. But here’s where things stand- the good, the bad, the ugly. :-)
What’s On My Mind
To Port or Not To Port: I put on a dress the other night for a work event, and you could see my port and scar if you looked. It reminded me that I need to schedule a procedure to get the darn thing out. (And why am I weirdly dragging my feet on the thing I initially hated? I felt like a Cyborg when it was put in… and now I feel strangely attached and superstitious about getting it out).
Defining Normal, Always: Every week, and probably nearly daily. There’s something I notice about my body and wonder if it’s “normal.” The harder ridge on the side of my implant? Normal. The sweating on the top of my hands (not the palms) when I get a hot flush? Normal. (Yes, weird. But normal.) The forgetting where I’ve put things? Normal. The excruciating pain in my glute and hip? Probably normal- but I am getting an MRI. There’s just always that lingering worry- is it cancer/cancer-related? I’ve mentioned this before- that I tend to quickly tuck that thought into a tightly sealed box in my brain (labeled “Panic: Cancer”). I rarely access it. I’m not sure if this is healthy or not healthy- but is it normal?- Probably.
Joy Is All Around Me: This is the piece I’m most grateful for. If it were not for this last year, I’d still be mentally in the rat race. Doing all the things. Worried about all the things. Perfecting all the things. Always focused on the future. All these things can be good in moderation but I was leaning into excess, to my detriment. Now, I’m aware of this tendency. I’m practicing enjoying “the now” more than I ever did. When things go wrong, I’m asking myself “what’s the worst thing that could happen here”- and usually the answer tells me I can relax. I’m slowing down before reacting. I’m finding things more humorous. I’m engaging more creativity. All in the name of having more joy for me and those around me.
How My Body is Doing
My Joints Ache, Badly: I have to take medication that inhibits estrogen in my body, so as to limit the risk of recurrence by creating an environment that is the least hospitable to an estrogen seeking cancer. That means my joints are stiff and ache so much. (When I first heard about this side effect, I remember thinking, “achy joints? That’s so doable.”) But for a really active person, this is a very big bummer. It impacts my flexibility, my physical ability, and my everyday life. For example, getting into and out of the car is the most painful part of each day. (Actually it’s tied with putting on socks and shoes). I’m working through it and may change medications if it doesn’t improve, since I need to take this medication for 5-10 years.
Hair is Growing! I have been so pleasantly surprised at how quickly my hair is growing. Plus, it is coming in thicker than it was pre-cancer, which is a bonus. It’s also growing in grayer, but I couldn’t care less. I’m definitely hitting an awkward stage where a headband isn’t sufficient, but I still can’t tuck the hair behind my ears. But I’m experimenting with this short hair and it’s actually a little fun. There were so many options for Halloween this year!
Nose Hairs Still MIA: They still haven’t returned in full force. As the weather turns colder, I foresee a lot of tissues in my future. I’ve mentioned it before, but this is one of the most surprising side effects from chemo. Matt jokes I’ll be like the old ladies who tuck a tissue into their sleeve.
Bell’s Palsy On Its Way Out: my face is probably 85 to 90% back to normal. That’s not a scientific number… it’s just how I feel. I can still tell that my lower lip is a little off and my right cheek is a little lower. Most people tell me that they can’t tell and wouldn’t notice it unless I mentioned it. So that makes me feel mostly fine. But I’d like to look in a mirror and see 100% of myself looking back at me. I still do acupuncture weekly and Gua Sha daily, and I’m hoping that it will continue to resolve all the way.
Fitness, Regained & Reimagined: Besides accessing joy, the other thing I’m most grateful for is my body and my resiliency. During chemo I lost about 25 pounds and a lot of muscle; however I made a point to continue doing what I could. I worked out weekly with my personal trainer & Coach, Keir, and we focused on strength and breath work and mobility. I’ve regained 15 pounds and most of the muscle strength. My breathing and ability to meditate far surpass my pre-cancer abilities. And we continue to focus on things that maintain and improve my bone density, move lymph, strengthen muscle, and improve flexibility and mobility. On my non training days, I’m going for long walks, using the sauna again (yay!), doing yoga, and loving The Class. If you haven’t tried out The Class, I recommend for anyone looking for movement that has an aspect of silliness/joy to it.
So, that’s where I am these days. Balancing medications, thinking about my physical body and how I move it, reducing stress as much as possible, and focusing on experiencing the joy that is around me.
Working on strength and mobility with Keir & Foghorn Fitness (photo credit: Keir Beadling)
Hiking with my sister Kristen in Newburyport, on a recent trip back East.
Dinner with Oli in Boston while on college tours
Me as Medusa for Halloween. Never pass up the opportunity to dress in costume.
Short hair Halloween options included Effie Trinket from the Hunger Games. Matt made a stellar Haymitch!